When Life Stops Podcast

Episode 6 Encouraging Songs and Scriptures that helped us through our loss.

 

Welcome to Episode 6: Scriptures and songs that encouraged us.

Thank you to our growing listening community, we see your comments and feedback and we say keep it coming.

 

Nothing in life can emotionally prepare us for the death of a loved one. Whether death results from a sudden accident or a sustained illness, it always catches us off-guard.  The finality of loss and dying is personal and with every loss, grief follows, as painful as that is.. grief is necessary  to our healing and we have shared that grief is messy and not embracing grief and  running away from it is like running away from the one thing that can cure the pain of loss 

English poet and hymnodist, William Cowper, described grief itself as medicine. Grief cleanses the anguish from our souls and helps us move forward.

 Grieving is the process God uses to bring us to a place of wholeness. A place of recovery and it is so essential part of our healing journey. 

We have learned that when faced with grief, isolating yourself and grieving alone can be destructive and we say that grieving was meant to be done in community. When grief is shared, the pain becomes bearable and we encourage you to reach out talk to someone and a good place to find support is your church family, small group, a Christian support group, etc

In this episode, we would be sharing how our faith helped us through this season.

We also share some of the songs that comforted us. 

Eg

• Spirit lead me by Michael Ketterer. 
• Steady my heart and you are not alone by Kari Jobe 
•  ALL things by David and Nicole Binion

         

We also share a few scriptures that comforted us.

 

Ps 34:18: The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. 

 

Psalm 91: 2: I will say to the LORD, "My refuge and my fortress, My God, in whom I trust!" 

Phil 1:21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.

 

Psalm 73:26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

 

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

 

Hab 3:17-18

Though the fig tree does not bud and no fruit is on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though the sheep are cut off from the fold and no cattle are in the stalls, yet I will exult in the LORD; I will rejoice in the God of my salvation!…

 Ephesian 5: 19 says we should “Speak to one another with psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your hearts to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.…”

 

We pray this episode truly encourages you. We remind you that you are not alone, and encourage you to please run to God and take advantage of the community He has put you in and receive the love that he offers through people.

 

We know that discussions around grief can be hard but we are available to help and support anyone who would require our services and you can reach us by sending us an email at hello@whenlifestops.org

 

For more information about us go to our website

 

http://whenlifestops.org

 

https://www.instagram.com/stellaagwor/

 

https://www.instagram.com/detolaamure/

 

We created a playlist filled with uplifting and encouraging songs. Pls, follow this Spotify link to access it.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5p3QllnryhQ5jmOuLNaxhn?si=HZVusg2lQ76ZEgYAHdRozg

 

We pray you receive the grace and courage to move forward and find new meaning to life.

 

Till next time. Stay Joyful.

 

 

 

 

 

Episode 5 Planning A Funeral

Welcome to Episode 5

 

Thanking you for joining us again on another episode of the When life stops podcast, A podcast on finding new meaning after loss.

 

We thought to share in this episode our experience of planning a funeral for our babies. 

 

A funeral might be a huge thing to deal with so in this episode, we share our stories on what to expect, dealing with the emotions that come with the enormity of such a task and so on.

 

We share:

• our experiences of the days leading up to the funeral, and afterward
• what we would have done differently when planning the funeral as well.
• the support and things we found really helpful that enabled us to move forward in those early days after our loss.

We emphasize that Grief is better done in community and we pray this episode helps and encourages those who are navigating this unfamiliar terrain,

We are open and available to answer your questions and if you would like any more support, please feel free to contact us at hello@whenlifestops.org 

 

For more information about us go to our website

 

http://whenlifestops.org

 

https://www.instagram.com/stellaagwor/

 

https://www.instagram.com/detolaamure/

If you have found this valuable we ask that you please share, like, comment, and subscribe to this podcast on whatever podcast app that you are listening from.

 

God bless you and see you next week.

 

Episode 4: GUILT

Welcome to episode 4. In our last Episode we talked about what grief was in detail and in this episode we would like to talk about Guilt.

 

We define guilt as a remorseful emotional reaction in bereavement, with recognition of having failed to live up to one's own inner standards and expectations in relationship to the deceased and/or the death”

 

Guilt is characterised by self-blame/ regret/ shame.

 

Self-blame is when you take responsibility or ownership about the cause of a person’s death. When we admit that it was our fault and blame ourselves for not living up to/ or for failing the other person.

 

Regrets on the other hand are negative painful thoughts and feelings. They are always around things you feel you didn’t do or could have done differently ie actions and inactions that you feel would have achieved a better outcome. Often there is a feeling of  unfinished business with the deceased or the perception that one could have done things differently with respect to the relationship with the deceased and/or the death-related events. It is the coulda/ woulda/shoulda that follows after a loss.

 

We share our experiences in dealing with guilt and common reasons people have given as to why they feel guilt.

 

We discuss that these reasons, though logical, are many atimes untrue.

 

We share that people feel guilt because there is the need to blame something or someone because we feel a lack of control when it comes to death and dying

If we do not blame ourselves or someone else,

 

Also a lack of trust in a God who is all knowing and all seeing and who is sovereign because accepting this would be surrendering and for some of us, that can be a really hard thing to do. 

 

 We share a few tips on how guilt can be overcome.

1.Embrace it/ acknowledge what you feel  guilty about/ face it

Work on it by addressing the whys..

2.See the whole picture. It is easy to focus on the last few days, hours, before a person died and you refuse to take into account the whole relationship.

Is what you are telling yourself the truth/rational

3.Renew your mind. As a Christian, what does God say about guilt and the thoughts you are buying into.

4.Take action: forgive yourself, Apologise where necessary.

 

 

Perhaps you are listening to this episode and you are struggling with guilt, we encourage you to ask yourself

What you would say to a friend or family member who was expressing the same feelings to you? Would you tell them to forgive themselves?

If so, do the same to yourself.

 

A technique often used in grief work is letter writing - this usually involves writing a letter to the person that has died in the hope of dealing with and completing any ‘unfinished business’, telling them how you feel about them, the situation surrounding their death, anything you wanted to say but now can’t.

 

 

Finally we leave you with the Serenity Prayer and some scriptures

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

As it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make things right

If I surrender to His Will;

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life

And supremely happy with Him

Forever and ever in the next.

Amen.

 

Revelation 12:10 Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say, “Now the salvation, the power, the kingdom of our God, and the authority of his Messiah have come. For the one who accuses our brothers, who accuses them day and night in the presence of our God, has been thrown out.

 

 

Hebrews 10:22 let us go right into the presence of God with sincere hearts fully trusting him. For our guilty consciences have been sprinkled with Christ’s blood to make us clean, and our bodies have been washed with pure water.

 

We hope you find this episode valuable. Please like, comment, share and most importantly subscribe so you don't miss any episodes. 

 

Till next time we pray you find the grace to find new meaning to life and live above guilt.

 

Feel free to connect with us via our website 

 

http://whenlifestops.org/

 

We love you.

Detola and Stella.

 

Episode 3: What Grief Really Is.

Welcome to episode 3 of when life stops, a podcast on finding new meaning after loss. In the last episode, we talked about common grief myths, the falsehood around grief, and what we knew.

Today Stella and Detola dig deep into what grief really Is

We share 3 definitions of Grief

We say it is the normal and natural reaction to significant emotional loss of any kind.

secondly, according to the  Grief Recovery method written by  John W James, and Russell Friedman   

Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of, or change in, a familiar pattern of behavior. 

The last definition of grief is feeling of reaching out for someone who has always been there, only to find when you need them one more time, they are no longer there. 

We discuss that there are over 43 losses that are considered to invoke grief eg.

Death, Divorce, Retirement, Moving, Pet Loss, Financial change, Loss of health, Legal Problems, Empty nest, End of Addiction, Starting School, Redundancy.

Some examples of intangible losses that lead to grief:

Loss of trust, loss of innocence, loss of safety, loss of childhood, loss of control, loss of faith, Loss of fertility

And we reassure our listeners that whatever loss they have experienced what they are feeling is normal.

We tackle the grave misconception that there are stages of grief.  The fact is there are no stages. Grief cannot be neatly categorized. Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ work was on Death & Dying, not grief. She was very specific about this distinction in her books but the media and the universities have attached her work to grief. This common misinformation has confused and hurt many grievers throughout the years. 

 

We emphasize that there are no stages to grief, every grief is individual and unique. 

We also share the typical responses to grief such as:

Reduced concentration

A sense of numbness

Disrupted sleeping patterns 

Changed eating habits

Roller coaster of emotional 

 

We talk about how grief is often mislabelled as ADHD, Depression, PTSD and many other pathological conditions. We share that mental health professionals that grief recovery specialists work with have found that although their clients come to them with another presenting issue, almost all of them have unresolved grief as the underlying problem and If you misdiagnose it means you will mistreat. These wrongly labeled grievers are often incorrectly put on various medications, which get in the way of recovering from loss. 

And this shows that there is unresolved grief everywhere.

A study of 8800 US mental health clients established that a large percentage of people diagnosed as depressed and placed on antidepressant drugs are not clinically depressed. They are actually experiencing unresolved grief due to prior losses in their lives. 

And any grief that is not embraced, and worked through would end up being covered, buried and the fact that time has elapsed doesn't mean healing has taken place.

We remind our listeners again that time does not heal wounds, it is facing it and taking actions that guarantee healing.

So how then do people know if they are experiencing unresolved grief?

We list the 5 signs that show this 

1. If you are unwilling to think about or talk about someone who has died or express feelings about any other losses. 

2. If fond memories turn painful, you may be experiencing unresolved grief.

3. If you want only to talk about the positive aspects of the relationship, you may be incomplete or experiencing unresolved grief.

4. If you want only to talk about the negative aspects of the relationship, you may be incomplete or experiencing unresolved grief.

5. Unresolved grief may be at the root of any fear associated with the thoughts or feelings about a relationship. 

We encourage anyone listening who feels they may have unresolved grief that they too can recover and find new meaning to life after experiencing grief. You can actually recover from grief. 

 

Stella listed some steps you can take to recover from grief.

1. The first step is to face it,  grief is healthy,  and realize that you are not alone, God is with you, 

2. Grief is healed in community, you need people, 

3. Take action, start with admitting what it is you lost, identify other losses you never grieved, 

4. Talk to God about how you feel, express yourself before God(e.g journaling and blogging and just talking to God and asking him lots of questions), 

5. Stay grounded in the love of God. (remind yourself that you are loved, and because you love God, all things would work together for my good)ps 23.4. Roms 8.28

Detola shares that

Recovery is being able to enjoy fond memories without having them turn painful.

Recovery means acquiring the skills we should have been taught as a child. These skills allow us to deal with loss directly.

Although recovery from significant emotional loss is not an easy task. Taking the actions that lead to recovery will require open-mindedness, willingness, and courage. 

Recovery from loss is achieved by a series of small and correct choices made by the griever. 

We round up by saying again that you are not alone on this journey, and we encourage grievers to acknowledge how they feel, journal their thoughts, and always be emotionally honest with themselves and others.

We share how to lament before God and Rick Warren sums it nicely, he says we must go to God and complain to him and not about him, tell him what we think is unfair or painful, 

Appeal to his nature

Remind God of his words

Express total trust in God

 

We know that discussions around grief can be hard but we are available to help and support anyone who would require our services and you can reach us by sending us an email at hello@whenlifestops.org

 

For more information about us, you can go to our website

 

http://whenlifestops.org

 

https://www.instagram.com/stellaagwor/

 

https://www.instagram.com/detolaamure/

If you have found this episode valuable we ask that you please share, like, comment, and subscribe to this podcast on whatever podcast app that you are listening from.

 

God bless you and see you next week.

 

EPISODE 2 Grief Myths, Things commonly said when people encounter loss.

Welcome to Episode 2.

Thank you so much for the love and feedback received for our first episode, we truly appreciate all our listeners.

 

In this episode your hosts Detola Amure and Stella Agwor have a passionate discussion and challenge some Grief myths that is, the things commonly said when people encounter loss.

 

We grouped them using the 6 most commonly heard ones according to The grief recovery handbook by John W James and Russell Friedman

 

1. We say that when people say:

Don’t Feel Bad, you have the right to acknowledge and express those painful emotions that you are feeling. 

 

2. Replace the Loss, we say that every loss is unique and cannot be replaced. Grievers should be allowed to grief individual losses and not seek to immediately replace what was lost.

3. Grieve Alone, isolation does nothing to help grief, we grief better in community and we encourage our listeners to reach out for support and feel free to express and talk about their losses.

 

4. Grief Just Takes Time or Time Heals All Wounds. This isn't true, time doesn't heal, it is what you do with the passage of time that determines if you heal or stay stuck in grief.  We encourage grievers to come face to face with their pain, embrace it, and work through it.

 

5. Be Strong & Be Strong for Others: we ask what being Strong actually looks like, and if not showing emotions shows that you are strong.

6.Keep busy, keeping busy only acts as a distraction and sooner or later, if we don't stop the effects of not grieving would show up in other areas of our lives.

 

We also share tips on how you can support those experiencing loss by simply giving them the gift of your presence and allowing them to express their emotions.

 

We remind our listeners that they are not alone and if we both can move forward and live purposeful lives, they too can.

 

We know that discussions around grief can be hard but we are available to help and support anyone who would require our services and you can reach us by sending us an email at hello@whenlifestops.org

 

For more information about us go to our website

 

http://whenlifestops.org

 

https://www.instagram.com/stellaagwor/

 

https://www.instagram.com/detolaamure/

If you have found great value in this episode, we ask that you please share, like, comment, and subscribe to this podcast on whatever podcast app that you are listening from.

 

God bless you.

Episode 1: Our Stories, When Life Stopped for Us.

We are so excited, finally episode 1 launches today the 30th of July and we are so pleased that you tuned in.

 

We are Detola and Stella, two mothers, two grievers and we have experienced minor and major losses. We have learned and unlearned so much on the journey, we want to share with you what has helped us on the journey.

 

In Episode 1 we share very briefly our stories of loss and one thing that helped us.

In 2013, Stella lost her 16month old daughter Tamara to Spinal Muscular Atrophy,(SMA) a genetic incurable disease and she shares how that experience caused her life to stop and how her faith was challenged.

 

Detola lost her 7-month-old son MoraC in 2018, He was diagnosed with downs syndrome at birth and he was a twin. She shares how community helped strengthen her as she also struggled with her faith after MoraC passed.

 

Despite our losses, we have healed, recovered, and have found new meaning to our lives.

We invite anyone listening to us who is struggling with loss to reach out to us or anyone in their community who has experienced loss and start by sharing their story. 

We remind our listeners that they are not alone and if we both can move forward and live purposeful lives, you too can.

 

Please share, like, comment, and subscribe to our podcast on whatever podcast app that you are listening to us from.

See you next week.

 

For more information about us go to our website

http://whenlifestops.org/

 

Or send us an email at hello@whenlifestops.org

When Life Stops TRAILER

Are you going through loss whether from the death of a loved one, divorce, job, or any other emotional heartbreak? Life has stopped for you and you wonder if you can ever recover and move forward? Or are you a friend or family to someone who has loved and lost? Then join us on When Life stops, a podcast where we help you find new meaning after loss.  

 

We have created this podcast just for you. We are Detola and Stella, Two mothers, two grievers we have experienced minor and major losses. We have learned and unlearned so much on this journey and we want to share with you what has helped us.

 

So we are excited to let you know that we are launching the first season of When Life Stops on July 30th, 2020. Then every Wednesday for the next 13 weeks we will bring you valuable educational content ranging from stories to topics around grief and how loss impacts us. 

 

 Also in this season, we have two amazing guests, come share their experience of loss, as a male, and as a sibling who lost her brother. Both episodes are packed with so much content and value. We are really excited about this!

 

We want to invite you to go subscribe now on any podcast apps you are listening from. Also, share with your friends and family who may be going through one loss or the other, or have gone through loss in the past. Share with family and friends who want to support grievers as well!

See you soon.